The Creation According to Saint Albert
Genesis, Chapter One
1:1 In the beginning Saint Albert, The Goracle of Music City, created The Book.
1:2 And The Book was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the Book. And the editors of the Book moved upon the pages of it, to give it form and substance.
1:3 And The New York Times said, "Let there be sales:" and there were sales of The Book.
1:4 And Saint Albert saw the sales, and that they were good: and he said "There could be profit and sustenance in this, both for me and all my descendants, and all the tribes of lobbyists." For he had grown weary of being the Junior Senator in the land of the Tennesseeans.
1:5 For Saint Albert called The Book "Earth In The Balance", and before his book there was nothing, and without it, we would all be destroyed. And this was the end of the first day.
1:6 And Saint Albert said, "Let there be a Powerpoint in the midst of my laptop, and let it terrify those who follow me and obey my commandments."
1:7 And Saint Albert made the Powerpoint, and divided the facts which were obvious from the facts which were inconvenient for his argument: and it was so.
1:8 And Saint Albert called the Powerpoint a Rough Draft For A Screenplay. And this evening and morning were the second day.
1:9 And Saint Albert said, "Let the Screenplay be filmed, and let my my visage be imposed upon the face of the Powerpoint for all who follow me to see and witness:" and it was so.
1:10 And Saint Albert called the Screenplay a Documentary; and he named his documentary "An Inconvenient Truth": and those who stood to profit thereby called it good.
1:11 And Saint Albert said, "Let the Documentary bring forth awards, the same awards which go to all Democrats, who, by being nominated, are always assured of victory:" and it was so. But those whose hearts had hardened against him declared these awards to be an everlasting stench in the nostrils of the righteous and an unholy thing in the temple of Reason.
1:12 And the Documentary brought forth profits, the creeping financial kind, and the flying political kind, and the consultant kind; and Saint Albert saw that these profits would be mandated by Congress and the rulers of this world, and that they would be very, very good.
1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day. And there was fear and trembling throughout the earth, for all this time Saint Albert had merely been warming up.
1:14 And Saint Albert said, "Let there be a timeline, and a sense of urgency, and a panic; for I grow old, and wish to fully profit from my creation; so let all warming be a sign of Global Warming, and let all cooling be a sign of Global Warming also . And those who deny that cooling is warming, let them take their place with The Holocaust Deniers.
1:15 "And let us no longer speak the words 'Global Warming', for the current cooling will confuse the sheep of our pastures, causing them to look upon their thermometers for verification. Let us now speak of 'Climate Change', for by doing so, all bets will be covered:" and it was so.
1:16 And Saint Albert created for himself a house; and it was as great as any earthly habitation; and the carbon footprint of his house was compared to that of The Concorde; the carbon footprint of his house was likened to that of a Ukrainian Steel Mill, and the emissions of Interstate 35 on the Fourth of July weekend; and his house was likened unto the dwelling of a Republican who does not recycle.
1:17 And the sheep of his pastures cried out to him, saying "Albert, Albert, why do you preach salvation, but practice destruction? And Saint Albert grew weary of their moanings, and he gave his habitation solar panels, and new windows, and ductwork.
1:18 And Saint Albert declared that it was good. But his enemies declared his improvements to be a vain and foolish thing, for they had unconfessed sin in their hearts, and their deeds were evil, and they were not the sheep of his pastures. For they had looked upon his electric bills, both before and after, and they mocked him and made merriment while posting Saint Albert's electric bills on the Internet (which Saint Albert had created).
1:19 For the Tennesseeans are a stubborn and ungrateful people, and they would not vote for him in 2000, for prophets are without honor in their home country. And this evening and morning were the fourth day.
1:20 And Saint Albert said, "Let the people of the earth sing praises unto my name forever, for I am great and mighty. Am I not as heroic as Parsifal? Am I not more worthy than Don Giovanni? For Tipper and I are as Tristan and Isolde, and we shall be glorified in the heavens and in the earth, and at La Scala in Italy. Bring forth an opera, so that my works and my name shall be sung and praised throughout the nations."
1:21 And the sheep of his pastures brought forth the sounding brass and tinkling cymbal and the tenors and one soprano; and the libretto of that which began as a Book and grew to a Powerpoint which begat a screenplay which begat a documentary which begat a Nobel then begat an opera: and Saint Albert saw that it was good.
1:22 And Saint Albert blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and create more wondrous markers of remembrance to my name."
1:23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
1:24 And Saint Albert said, "Bring forth a musical, so that my praises may be sung on Broadway by those who love show tunes. For what profiteth a man to win a Grammy and Nobel, but have no Tony?"
1:25 And the sheep of his pastures brought forth a Musical, so that the philistine cattle who do not enjoy opera may glorify Saint Albert also, each in his own way: and Saint Albert saw that it was good, for it had productions numbers, great sets, a torch song, and some real toe-tappers.
1:26 And Saint Albert said, "Let us make more graven, written, and spoken monuments to mine own image, after my likeness: and give me dominion over the fish of your seas, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, for only I can save them. And give me dominion over your thermostats and your fuel economy, and your CO2 emissions, and your carbon footprints. Give me dominion over your congressional spending and your tax breaks. For I am a jealous God, and I want it all."
1:27 Thus man created Saint Albert in God's own image, in the image of God created we him.
1:28 And Saint Albert saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. But he had not yet brought forth the Earth In The Balance videogame, or the Climate Change lunchbox, or Carbon Footprint running shoes, or An Inconvenient Truth - the animated series. We have no Global Warming thermos, or Tipper The Iceberg beer coolers.
1:29 Because on the seventh day, he rested. I hope.