Monday, August 31, 2009

The Top 10 Signs You Might Not Be A Libertarian, and The Top 10 Signs That You Just Might Be

Someone called Darksyde has written something for the Daily Kos called "The Top 10 Signs You Might Not Be A Libertarian". Parts of it are pretty funny, and Darksyde makes some good points about the libertarian ranks swelling because of the recent Republican debacles. All of my additions to Darksydes original post are in italics.

Notice a propensity of newly minted Libertarians showing up lately? Perhaps it's just coincidence their ranks swelled in inverse proportion to George Bush's approval rating, ditto that so many are mouthing traditional conservative talking points. But what about the everyday gun toting townhall screamers and taxcutters and deficit hawks we see on cable news: are they really libertarian as so many claim, or just conservatives in glibertarian clothes? Here's a few warning signs.

  1. If you think Ron Paul isn't conservative enough and Fox News is fair and balanced, you might not be a Libertarian. I think that Ron Paul generally acts on a different continuum than the Conservative/Liberal one. He's "small l" libertarian, as opposed to a Statist. And why does every Lefty that I encounter obsess over Fox News? Do they not own remote controls? I can't watch Fox or the Castro News Network without throwing shoes at the screen. A pox on both their houses.
  1. If you believe you have an inalienable right to attend Presidential townhalls brandishing a loaded assault rifle, but that arresting participants inside for wearing a pink shirt is an important public safety precaution, there's a chance you're dangerously unbalanced, but no chance you're a Libertarian. I think that the people carrying assault rifles to Presidential townhalls are less dangerous to society than the featured speaker at Presidential townhalls. I also own two pink shirts.
  1. If you think the government should stay the hell out of Medicare, well, you have way, way bigger problems than figuring out if you're really a Libertarian. By the time I qualify for any Medicare assistance, the program will be as broke as The Ten Commandments, and government will have decided to stay the hell out of Medicare. It's a moot point for me.
  1. If you rank Anthonin Scalia and Roy Moore among the greatest Justices of all time, you may be bug fuck crazy, but you're probably not a Libertarian. I kinda like Anthony Scalia. I've already written my opinions of Roy Moore. He isn't bug fuck crazy, but is instead.... (I think this is the third time I've been obligated to use that link. Sorry, Mama.)
  1. You might not be a Libertarian if you think recreational drug use, prostitution, and gambling should be illegal because that's what Jesus wants. Jesus supposedly turned water into wine (homegrown), he was criticized for hanging out with prostitutes, and he forgave the soldiers who were gambling for his clothes at the foot of the cross. 'Nuff said.
  1. If you think the separation between church and state applies equally to all faiths except socially conservative Christian fundamentalism, you're probably not a Libertarian. Don't get me started. I'm even for separation of Americans and State.
  1. You're probably not a Libertarian if you believe the federal government should remove safety standards and clinical barriers for prescription and OTC medications while banning all embryonic stem cell research, somatic nuclear transfer, RU 486, HPV and cervical cancer vaccination, work on human/non human DNA combos, or Plan B emergency contraception. I kinda hope the government continues to stay out of all those fields of research, because I'm confident that China is researching all of the above like crazy. If our legislators are in charge of the funding, they'll just screw it up.
  1. If you think state execution of mentally retarded convicts is good policy but prosecuting Scott Roeder or disconnecting Terri Schiavo was an unforgivable sin, odds are you're not really a Libertarian. I can go one further than that....I think we should consult with his family, and then pull the plug on Democratic Senator (and former Community Organizer for the Ku Klux Klan) Robert Byrd.
  1. If you argue that cash for clunkers or any form of government healthcare is unconstitutional, but forced prayer or teaching old testament creationism in public schools is fine, you're not even consistent, much less a Libertarian, and you may be Michele Bachmann. Public schools? Public schools? What government official in Washington, now that Jimmy Carter has been sent packing, would ever dream of sending their kids to the Public Schools? What point was Darksyde trying to make here?

And the number one sign: if you think government should stay the hell out of people's private business -- except when kidnapping citizens and rendering them to secret overseas torture prisons, snooping around the bedrooms of consenting adults, policing a woman's uterus, or conducting warrantless wire taps, you are no Libertarian.

Darksyde was doing ok until that last paragraph. He happened to step on a different set of toes there. I'm actually surprised that Daily Kos ran that part of his post. Because I think the Libertarians will soon be seeing some refugees and carpetbaggers from another political party, giving me the opportunity to write something like this. I'll go out of italics mode here.....

Notice a propensity of newly minted Libertarians showing up lately? Perhaps it's just coincidence their ranks swelled in inverse proportion to Barack Obama's approval rating, ditto that so many are mouthing traditional Lefty talking points. But what about the everyday anti-war protesters and transparency lovers we used to see on cable news: are they really libertarian as so many claim, or just traditional Big State Fat Cats dressing down to go slumming with The Proles? Here are a few warning signs that you really might be a Libertarian.

  1. If you thought you were electing the most transparent administration in history, but were sorely disappointed, you might now qualify as a Libertarian.
  1. If you recently discovered that anti-government protests aren't reserved for "progressives", but for anyone who believes that government's programs hurt the poor and needy the most, well, you just might be a Libertarian.
  1. If you recently looked at your Social Security contributions, and compared them to your 401K contributions, and the money you'll get from each, you'll soon become a Libertarian.
  1. If you recently discovered that Ted Kennedy gave less than 1% of his money to charity, which is a lot more than Joe Biden has given to charity, but they both wanted you to give a higher and higher % of your money to them??? And you finally woke up and wondered what the hell is up with that??? You might really be a Libertarian.
  1. You might be a Libertarian if you've ever wondered why Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Carrie Prejean (the now-infamous Miss California) all have the exact same position in opposition to Gay/Lesbian marriage.
  1. If you've ever looked into why Nancy "Greater Tuna" Pelosi has exempted employees in a certain industry from minimum wage legislation, you've probably become a Libertarian by now. Besides that, she's batshit crazy.
  1. If you still believe that the Department of Energy - created to reduce our dependence of foreign oil, the Department of Education - created to help teach something or other, or the Federal Reserve - created to help stabilize the value of the dollar, or this ignorant-assed website have been remotely effective, there's no hope for you and you're probably not a Libertarian.
  1. If you became deeply and profoundly irritated when you realized that Extraordinary Rendition would continue during the Obama presidency, you may have become a Libertarian. Or maybe it was when you learned that warrantless wiretaps would continue. Or perhaps you looked at the Obama The Warmonger widget to your right, and got tired of me asking HOW'S THAT HOPE AND CHANGE THING WORKIN' OUT FOR YA ?????
  1. If you decided it was somewhat hypocritical to claim as many tax deductions as possible while arguing for more goverment spending, you may have seen the light and become a Libertarian.

And the number one sign: if you think government should stay the hell out of people's private business -- except when kidnapping citizens and rendering them to secret overseas torture prisons, snooping around the bedrooms of consenting adults, or conducting warrantless wire taps, you are no Libertarian.

But some of us have elected a Democrat president and congress who, by commission or omission, continue to approve all of the above.

The Libertarian Party awaits.....

6 comments:

Browncoat Libertarian said...

I really didn't want this post to end. Awesome stuff!

Jackie D said...

Out of respect for the institution of 'Greater Tuna' - "Tuna, Texas, where the Lion's Club is too liberal and Patsy Cline never dies" - I propose 'Nancy "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish for minimum wage" Pelosi'.

I like the Foxworthy-esque "you might be" presentation, but think you could reach those who REALLY need to read this information by turning the post into a Facebook quiz.

Seriously, great post.

fembuttx said...

I am just astounded that the F bomb is dropped twice in this posting. My past comments which included the words cock, tarantula and pretty littl poppy petals have all been deleted because they were too vulgar.

Libertarianism at its finest.

The Whited Sepulchre said...

Browncoat,
Thanks.

Jackie D,
Thanks.

Fembuttx,
It's all about the context. Because of my Baptist heritage, I'm ok with F-bombs being dropped as nouns, adjectives, adverbs, gerunds, and exclamations.
You just can't use it here as a verb.

fembuttx said...

Well FUCK!! I feel like the fuckin bad end of a fuck train. That is pretty fucked up.

You will notice that I did not say: Do you want to F*ck? Because I did not want to describe the act of f*cking...Just how Fucked up this is....

The Whited Sepulchre said...

Fembuttx,
Spoken like a true Methodist.