Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why Jesus only had six disciples

As I've stated in earlier posts, I've devoted the last 6 months to re-translating the New Testament. (Since I work in the shipping and logistics industry, this qualifies me for almost anything.) You can hit the "Bible re-interpretation" tag at the bottom of this post to read more translations.
The section posted today is so shocking that I'm bracing myself for harsh and savage criticism from the theological, political, and economic communities. The properly translated text reveals that there were some complications when Jesus called his twelve six disciples. This is from the Gospel Of Mark, Chapter 1, beginning with verse 16.

16. As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.
17. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."
18. At once they left their nets and followed him.
19. When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets.
20. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him.
21. And Matthew the tax collector came unto James and John, saying "Here is a W-4 form so that your share of our donations can be withheld in Jerusalem." And James and John disputed among themselves over who would claim their father, Zebedee, as a dependent.
22. Jesus rebuked them, saying, "You sons of vipers, you whited sepulchres, for both of you are registered Democrats, and have clamored for more spending. What care you for tax deductions? Let he who votes Libertarian claim the first deduction. Let all others reap what they have sown, and pay until the budget is balanced."
23. And Judas, the disciple who would betray Jesus, came unto the brothers, saying "Here is form I-9, which will show that you are not a Samaritan, a Roman, a Greek, an Ethiopian, or any other form of Gentile, especially a Mexican. Bring me your a) Social Security cards and your Drivers Licenses, or b) your passports for I must keep copies on file with our Human Resources Department, lest we be audited for hiring illegals.
24. For our brother John The Baptist was busted using non-documented workers to harvest locusts and honey, and his head was handed to Herod on a silver platter."
25. Simon The Zealot came unto them, saying "I am Simon, the union steward, and we are all now your brothers. We have negotiated a four-day work week with mandatory overtime pay for all healings done after 5:00 p.m., seven days off with pay after casting out any demons, and an automatic pay increase after you complete evangelism training. This is a Card Check shop, and we can not require you to sign this union card. But I would hate to see something happen to those nice camels you have out there in the parking lot."
26. When Bartholomew saw the brothers, his heart was filled with compassion for them, and he said "Here is our insurance program, which has a ninety-day eligibility waiting period, for we are a small company and we are sustained by the kindness of others. Have you considered The Public Option?"
27. And Thomas said, "I doubt it." For the brothers had seen other government programs and wanted no part of them.
28. And James and John were filled with remorse for putting down their nets and abandoning their father, and they left the six disciples and returned to their boat on The Sea Of Galilee.
29. Then Jesus looked at the economy, the paperwork, the tax witholding, the business climate, the administrative expense, and the union organizers, and said "Verily, verily, I say unto you, we shall not call more disciples; we shall bring in shipments of loaves and fishes from China.
30. If we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can cast out demons using the new software. When we go into all nations sharing the good news, we will use a Temp Service, for this reduces our liability. And this will be called downsizing, and six disciples is a nice number."

The picture of Jesus calling his disciples came from here. Hit the link, and look at the little blog widget about halfway down the page showing how many people have died and gone to hell since you opened the link. Ya gotta love it.

1 comment:

TarrantLibertyGuy said...

Later, in the newly translated texts... I think I've heard that Jesus outsources two of the six disciples headcount to Samaria. But with the value of the dinaris dropping, who could blame him?